I think that sometimes, I’m afraid to be 100% transparent because of the fear of being judged. The fear that someone is not going to like this or approve of that and I sacrifice what I want because I care to much about everybody else. Growing up I had this idea in my head of who I was supposed to be but my dad wanted me to be a doctor. He said that I would never have to worry about money. That being a doctor was going to set me up for life. His plan sounded great except for this minor little thing. I hate the sight of blood. I hate the sight, smell, and sound of throw up.
They make my stomach flip, I get nauseous and they are just not something that I have ever been able to handle. And as much as it pains my dad, I am not going into the medical field. And even though I know that he loves me, a part of me always feels like I'm letting him down. Trust me, I stood in front of t the mirror many a times, trying to convince myself that I could do it. I mean as many sacrifices as he's made for me, why can't I just do him this one solid.
I said all of that to preface what I'm about to say. I'm letting you in on a secret. Something that I realized about myself within the past few days and if I'm being quite honest, something that scares the living daylights out of me. I don't think that I want children. WHAT? But I'm a girl, I want to be a teacher, I love kids, WHAT? How is this possible? How have I living 19 years without knowing this about myself? The answer: I HAVE NO IDEA! I'm not even sure how I came to this realization but the more that I think about it the more it makes sense.
I wasn't that little girl that liked playing house as a kid, or dressing up my Barbies, or wanting to have a million kids. I don't even know how to braid hair. That life never really intrigued me. I wanted to go to school, learn, read books, travel, talk, eat, and experience as much of life as a can. And honestly, not much has changed. I have a list of countries that I want to visit, recipes that I want to try, people I want to meet, and goals that I want to accomplish. Now I'm not saying that all of these things can't be done with children, I'm just saying that for myself, I don't see it working out. Now, I'm only 19 so my views can change or maybe they'll stay right where they are. I don't know. All I know is that at this very moment, I do not have the desire to be a mother.
Maybe it's because I'm 19 years old and I'm at that stage in life where I can't/don't want to think to far into the future. What if I plan my whole life right now, and it doesn't play out the way that I thought it would. What then? I map out my whole life. Graduation, settle down, work, travel, kids, and the rest of the mundane things that follow. What if I skip a step, or I don't get the opportunity to do something that I thought I was going to do. A part of it is my fear of not being in control. And the other part is the fear that I'll miss out on something great because I was to busy being afraid. So basically I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know that the future scares me; I don't want to be 50 and living alone with my plethora of dogs. But I also don't want to spend my entire life chasing some twisted version of reality that I made up in my head.
So maybe my realization isn't about kids, maybe it's about what the kids represent. The future, relinquishing control, loss of identity, and so much more. Maybe not wanting kids right now is my brains way of preparing me for the future or maybe it's just my brains way of letting me know that I'm afraid of the future. Whatever the case may be, not wanting kids right now is my latest discovery. What's yours? What has your body, mind or spirit being trying to tell you? Tap into it. Is it real? Is it a fear? Find out, and maybe you'll learn something new about yourself.
~ And that’s the way the cookie crumbles! ~
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